How to stop pleasing others: 5 Steps to Independence

Motivation / by admin / December 19, 2019

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Sometimes we do things that would not only do not want to upset others. Some are so skillfully mastered the art of pleasing, that they themselves do not understand, why are uncomfortable. After all, on their own needs, they have long ceased to pay attention.

The reason for this behavior is simple: we all want to please, pending approval, love and care. But the root of the problem - low self-concept. It was she who encourages us to produce energy-consuming, unusual for our actions, giving up the comfort of their own in favor of the convenience of others.

These five steps will help you get over it.

1. Allow yourself to be a

If your name is on the football game, and you hate sports, but agree, since this can strengthen your friendly or romantic relationship, you go against yourself. Be honest with yourself and with the host. Admit it (especially yourself) that you do not like this idea. Pretense and desire to please, sooner or later turn against you.

During our first date with my husband he gave me absolutely not interested in romantic terms, I perceived him as a friend. I did not care whether I liked me. I'm not trying to look better than it actually is. No masks, innuendo or hints. He saw the real me, and eventually fell in love. People are attracted by the sincerity!
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Sarah Fabian, coach

Be a fine. There are no perfect people, and you are no exception. But your flaws make you unique. Stay true to your thoughts and emotions. Live your life.

2. Stop evaluate themselves through the prism of public opinion

Almost everyone is familiar fear of public speaking. Most people feel timidlyLeaving the scene, as they are more concerned about what viewers think about them than about the message they wish to convey.

It is seeking approval from others we become their hostages. But we can not control their feelings, thoughts and actions, but bear full responsibility for our own.

When I realized that the opinion of others does not define me, I felt myself free. Some see me as an intelligent and talented man. Others believe that I even mediocre or lousy speaker. For some, I'm beautiful. For others - no. Everyone has their own standards of beauty and intelligence, and it has nothing to do with me.
Sarah Fabian

Do what you can, and as you can, being improved every day. Love and approve of myself yourself - others you do not need to. You can not please everyone, no matter how much force is applied. Other people's opinion about you - it's not that other, as their perception, filtered through their own expectations and preconceptions. You are beautiful and worthy of happiness, not because others think so, but because once you have decided to believe in it.

3. Set appropriate boundaries with the outside world

One of the hardest things on the way to inner independence - the ability to say no to what you do You do not want to do without feeling at the same selfish, guilty or overly concerned about reaction interlocutor.

At work, I had often agree to perform tasks that are not part of my responsibilities and required time, which I did not. But one day I decided to stop and see what happens. Surprisingly, it did not happen anything. I was just beginning to speak out about their needs, and no one was against.
Sarah Fabian

Be aware of what you are saying there is no problem or proposal, rather than a person, dismissing it. In fact, you can not nobody to disappoint. People are disillusioned with their own expectations of you. And this is their area of responsibility, not yours.

When you agree to or reject the request, which gives you discomfort, you are forming attitude of others to themselves. And you decide whether to allow someone to use you. And there lay the responsibility to entertain people and make them happy.

Whenever you give time to others, you are giving them a portion of his life. So waste your precious time on people who support you and accept the way you are. Setting boundaries in relationships may seem a manifestation of selfishness. In fact, it is a form of self-esteem and self-care.

4. Learn to speak confidently

Sometimes it's hard to say no just because you do not know how to speak clearly and confidently. And fears that this may sound aggressive or rude. Learn to give up, no one was hurting at the same time.

Here are some simple language, to get you started:

Now (this week / this month), I can not do it.
Now I have too many other things to do.
Thank you for the invitation, but I can not at this time.
I can not go with you, but then be sure to tell us how it went.
Perhaps another time. I'd be happy invitation next week.
Sounds great, but no thanks.

5. Be yourself best friend

Cease to expect that other people will make you happy, and guess about your needs and desires. Put yourself in priority. Engaged in that brings you joy.

Love yourself as a person - it's not selfishness, but a necessity. Get rid of the negative evaluation of statements about himself: "I'm stupid," "I'm too fat," "I'm all damage." Treat yourself with dignity and respect. Then praise from the outside will be an organic bonus, not the purpose of life.

Just realize that the only person who is always present in your life - day and night, year after year - is you. And when you are in a harmonious relationship with them, you do not need other people to fill holes in their own self-esteem.