REVIEW: "The paradox of a perfectionist," Tal Ben-Shahar
Books / / December 19, 2019
You never win, because you're looking for perfection. Perfection is only good for the museums. Antoine de Saint-Exupery
We are taught from childhood that we must be flawless - perfect to learn, work perfectly, to create the perfect family. We want to be around №1. We want to have time to everywhere. After all, in today's world, if not in time, then he lost. Perhaps that is why so many unhappy people in the world.
At least, it is in this - maladaptive perfectionism - sees the reason for dissatisfaction with his life the author of this book, one of the leading experts in the field of happiness - Tal Ben-Shahar.
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Tal Ben-Shahar
American scholar of Israeli origin, a psychologist specializing in positive psychology and the psychology of leadership. He holds a doctorate in Organizational Behavior and a Bachelor of Arts.
For more than 10 years studying the theme of happiness. His course of positive psychology has become one of the most popular in the history of Harvard.
Ben-Shahar - writer, author of the bestseller "be happy", translated into 25 languages, including Russian.
A new book by Tal Ben-Shahar is dedicated perfectionist. He revealed an amazing paradox: people striving for perfection, often successful, but rarely happy.
Of course, in itself a commitment to excellence - that's good, because encourages people to work hard and achieve good results. The problems begin when this desire becomes extreme.
In this regard, psychologists distinguish negative (or maladaptive) and positive (adaptive) perfectionism. Last Ben-Shahar calls optimalizmom.
![The paradox of a perfectionist](/f/6b7add3bd5b3e374a108aba8459c43c4.jpg)
Perfectionism vs optimalizm
The author singles out three aspects of perfectionism (denial of the failure, denial of negative emotions and the denial of success) and contrasts them with 3 aspects optimalizma (recognition failures, acceptance of negative emotions and decision success).
And a perfectionist and Optimalist strive toward their goals, but in different ways.
![Perfectionism: the negation of failure](/f/deefd49fda568c5bdab1c102bdca348d.png)
For the perfectionist way to the goal - it is a straight line. And he expects that the road will be smooth. He was so fixated on the task at hand, not to notice anything around (family, friends ...). Perfectionist is guided by the principle of "all or nothing": hit the target - a hero, not - a worthless loser. He is very strict, always and everywhere looking for flaws, and not forgiving, especially to himself. Perfectionist terribly afraid that his ideal way to meet the irregularities, he fails. Fear leads to "defend" - criticism.
All this leads to rigidity. perfectionist thinking very conservatively. Fear of failure (lose only losers) leads to a fear of change.
Way Optimalist quite different - it is a tangle of failures and successes, chaotic curve, similar to a spiral. He knows that the path to the goal can be unexpected and not always pleasant turns, but it's great. After all, it is important to not aim as such - he enjoys the process of achieving it. Optimalist not to find fault, and focuses on the merits. But this does not mean that he is blind to the negative, he just knows how to forgive mistakes. He opened the advice and understands that constructive criticism helps to get better.
Thanks to this Optimalist flexible mind. It easily adapts to new circumstances, to overcome difficulties. Assuming the idea that the goal can be reached in different ways, Optimalist open new opportunities.
It is also very different emotional life of a perfectionist and Optimalist.
![Perfectionism: the negation of negative emotions](/f/6734f6f33e734ea4f15edaca294888ce.png)
According to the expectations perfectionist happiness - is an endless stream of positive emotions. Feelings such as fear, anger, sadness seem alien to him. He does not understand that a happy person is also from time to time scared, angry and bored. Therefore perfectionist rejects negative feelings.
In contrast, Optimalist allowing yourself to experience the whole range of emotions, realizing that without tears and suffering can not be deeply feel happiness.
![Perfectionism: the rejection of success](/f/317041065efd3dc460bd8517bf70adb6.png)
It's amazing, but apparently successful perfectionist actually strongly rejects success. He never pleased the results, it always seems that we could do better. Therefore, barely reaching the goal, he immediately puts the new one. As a result of all of its activities - it is a labor of Sisyphus.
Optimalist, on the contrary, it is aimed at success. His life, as the life of a perfectionist, full of battles, but he knows how to enjoy the process, learn from their mistakes. Having succeeded, Optimalist sincerely happy because they do not perceive it as a tribute - a reward for work.
These three aspects, according to Tal Ben-Shahar, lead to key differences between a perfectionist and Optimalist. What is it? I did not tell you. Yourself can speculate in the comments, but better - read the book.
overall experience
The book consists of three parts. In the first, theoretical, says about the differences and perfectionist Optimalist and consequences of these differences (as described above - only the tip of the iceberg).
The second and third parts have a practical focus, in which Ben-Shahar says of the method for converting a perfectionist in Optimalist. That is why these sections of the book seemed to me more interesting to read faster, caused a greater response.
In general, it should be noted that the "paradox of a perfectionist" - a practical guide for those who want to work on themselves and to bring into your life happiness. In each chapter you will find a "warm-up" for the reasoning and psychological exercises.
![The book is very practical and useful](/f/81d4491d72a154984b437f83b44d71ae.jpg)
This is the second book of Tal Ben-Shahar, got into my hands. So I assumed that the story will be easy and fun. I was not mistaken. The author - a wonderful storyteller. Most of the sentences he illustrates with examples from his own life, that creates a sense of personal conversation, a dialogue face to face.
The book is recommended reading for those who are working very hard (to work, school, relationships), but does not feel happy. Perhaps you hiding in the very paradox of a perfectionist.
But, as the author warns, there is no person who would have been 100% perfectionist or Optimalist. At different moments of life, at its different stages, we can behave differently. But we must always remember that optimalizm - is the ideal to which to aspire.
The good life - is a process, not a state of being. This direction, not a goal. Carl Rogers
![Tal Ben-Shahar - an expert in the field of happiness](/f/37410114fbe448c9b7f6c056f8bf27ff.jpg)
"The paradox of a perfectionist," Tal Ben-Shahar
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