Do not work on a relationship, work on yourself
Relations / / December 19, 2019
So, in a relationship, everything went wrong. It ended the period of love, and hormonal storm ceased to hide the shortcomings partner.
Do you often quarrel, a partner does not listen to you and do not understand, you do not respect each other and do not understand why the remains together. In such a situation many see two choices: to leave or to work on a relationship.
Work - that means more attentive to each other, seek common interests and compromise. However, short-term changes for the better very soon pulled back - to the mutual resentment, strife and suffering.
This is because the work on the relationship does not change your identity and will not solve the psychological problems: do not make you care about the partner or, conversely, give him the freedom in the long term will not help to become a reliable partner and teach interested in the inner world of her lover.
Working on the relationship, we are struggling with the consequences of not seeing the real reason.
So what is it, this is the reason? Two common psychological problems Let's look at that
lead to a dead-end relationship with any partner. And the first of them - a psychic infantilism.Infantilism - a monster, devouring relationship
Before we talk about mental infantilism, here are a few complaints about the attitude characteristic of people with this problem. The list provided by Galina Savchenko practicing psychoanalyst.
Galina Savchenko
Director of the "Center for crisis management." Practicing psychoanalyst and crisis consultant.
- I hurt because of what I was paying too little attention.
- I'm angry because of the fact that my closest relatives and friends do not want to take part in my life and solve my problems.
- I envy your friends, partner, brothers and sisters, because I think that it goes to everything in life for nothing, and they do not want to share it with me. So I'm thinking about how to break the relationship with them and find others who will appreciate, love me and nursed me.
Do you have any such problems in the relationship? If such thoughts do not just come to mind, you may be suffering from a mental infantilism.
"Wikipedia"Psychic infantilism - human immaturity manifests itself in identity formation delay. Mostly lag manifests itself in the development of emotional and volitional, inability to make independent decisions and preservation of children's personality traits.
What is the difference between the infantile man and how this problem interferes with the relationship? Here are a few qualities that identify infantilism in others or in yourself.
The quality of human infantile
1. Egocentrism
Self-centered adult does not take into account the needs and desires of others, all need to love him, to give warmth, love and participation "just so".
Here he writes about healthy relationships and infantile psychologist Elena Pervukhina.
The main secret of a healthy relationship in the family - it's a balance between the "take" and "give." You give your partner support, emotional warmth, respect, and in return receive care, respect, care. If such a balance in the relationship there, they give a crack.
Elena Pervukhina, practicing psychologist, author of articles on child and family psychology.
Elena says that infantile people always require only a partner, but never willing to give and share.
When a partner is always annoying only to give without receiving anything in return, he moves away, and the infantile man says that his partner stopped loving that relationships are not the ones that need to change something.
In this infantile man is not interested in the problems of his partner, his inner world. According to psychotherapist Sergei Gorin, infantile person alien caring, not only independent, but even upon request.
Infantilism noticeable when from a partner expect caring. For example, you're hungry, unwell, very tired and was told about this partner. If he rushed to feed you, to help - all right. If he says, "Well, go down to eat (get well, get some rest)," you do not exist in his world.
Sergey Gorin, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, author of monographs dedicated to the manipulation of the mass consciousness.
2. dependency
Many infantile people - men and women - gladly refuse to work, shifting her neck to the parent on the partner's neck.
In addition, there are elements of dependency and working people. For example, when an adult can not take care of themselves on their own: refusing to remove their belongings, cook, wash the dishes.
When a person does not want to perform basic household chores, his partner lost the lion's share of free time, and it is at least unfair and leads to constant quarrels.
3. Inability to make decisions
Infantile one avoids the difficulties are not able to make decisions and therefore often do not succeed in terms of career. When a person is faced with any difficulties, he chooses the path of least resistance.
Sergey GorinThe most common symptom of infantilism, which affects his vehicle and surrounding - a sense of confusion when dealing with real-life challenges.
Sergey Gorin says that infantile personality gets bad in the working team, it has a problem with execution of domestic affairs (call specialists, obtaining the necessary certificates) and easily becomes the victim scams.
In terms of relationships, this feature may gradually grow into the gap between two partners: one constantly develops, The other stuck in a comfort zone, not wanting to move forward.
If you find at some of the qualities of the infantile person should go ahead and remember how your parents behaved.
Why do people grow infantile
Psychologist Galina Savchenko argues that infantile adults grow up in families where the parents are very focused on the public opinion, tend to indulge in all the favorite child, so he created the firm conviction that everything in the world around us, there is only for him.
There is another model based on the trauma of rejection. If parents are too busy with their lives - work, personal life, education of other children - and do not pay attention to the feelings and mental life child, he formed the lack of affection, love and belonging, he will always fill in adult relationships with his second half.
As a rule, such a person is very doubtful and demanding, because unconsciously afraid of losing love and attention to your partner.
As a teenager, during the crisis for 13 years, to decide whether a child can grow up and always retain the quality of children's. But is it really good?
Can grow up thirty or forty years of the infantile man? Yes, but only if he can understand their problem and go through psychotherapy.
What to do with this problem
If you want to change in order to build a more quality adult relationship or success in another field, will need long work on yourself.
You can find a therapist who will guide you, help you understand in what areas needed work. If you want to develop your own, you need to work on several points:
- ability to care for themselves on their own;
- the ability to plan their finances, think about the future;
- restraint desires, when the next "Wishlist" is first conceptualized and then executed;
- ability to force yourself to perform unpleasant work;
Sergey GorinThe most reliable way - do not force yourself to perform a very pleasant physical work. It can be not only a class in the country or breeding rabbits: even systematic training in a fitness club is quite suitable for this purpose.
- ability to care for others, interested in the inner world, wishes and needs of other people.
Change your relationship for the better, if you get rid of immaturity? Not necessary.
It all depends not only on you but also on your partner. If he wants to see next to a not an adult, the existing human and child, for which you need to take care of, your "growing up", most likely, it will not be happy.
This is the next big problem that is quite common - codependency in relationships.
Co-dependent relationship - dissolving in a partner
As in the example of infantilism, before moving on to a description of the psychological disorders, consider a common complaint codependent people.
- My partner does not appreciate what I do for him, despite the fact that I often sacrifice for him.
- Partner dependent on alcohol, drugs or games and unwilling to change.
- I can not bear to part with a partner, because I feel sorry for him - he will be gone without me.
Codependent relationships arise when one partner is traumatized and reduced self-esteem and needed a man who would help compensate for the lack of self-esteem, self-sufficiency, love.
Elena PervukhinaCo-dependent person, as opposed to infantile, always controlled partner, always only give always "on top" in the popular expression "zalyublyu to death." Codependency can not take. They are victims, who do not have anything.
Elena says that the co-dependent does not live his life partner and life, thus not allowing the partner to live the way he wants. From such excessive pressure partner usually goes dependence (alcohol, workaholism, Drug addiction, gambling addiction, and so on), and the codependent begins his rescue.
So, a person abandons himself, devoting a life partner and making him the meaning of his life. As such codependency destroys relationships?
The habit to always put the partner in the first place leads to the fact that you will gradually lose their identity. You get bored, so that the partner is justified no longer pay attention to you.
In addition, excessive pressure from the codependent partner creates discomfort, deprives him of the opportunity to live a full life. As a result, partner either leaves or is saved from the discomfort depends.
How does codependency
As in the case of infantilism, a tendency to build a co-dependent relationship is laid in childhood.
Galina Savchenko listed the main causes of the tendency to codependency relationships.
- Parents of a little praise, and always focused on the negatives rather than the child's progress.
- Parental love is directly dependent on the success and the good behavior of the child ( "for the five love, and for three - no").
- Cold parents, who were busy with their lives, careers.
- His parents divorced and the child was left alone with the pain of divorce ( "I'm no use to anyone").
- Parents, for whatever reason, pay more attention to other children ( "one must try to be the best, to win the love").
Galina Savchenko says that such people, as adults, do not usually have problems in social life. These are precocious children who do everything well, except for love and relationships.
Formula "In order to be loved and wanted to build a relationship with you, you should / should pay a part of their lives" is the leading scenario relationships. Therefore, for the sake of co-dependent life of the object of love is the norm, as fits into this equation: Give yourself - you will receive love.
Without changing yourself, you can not build a healthy relationship, regardless of who will be your partner.
The habit of sacrificing themselves for the sake of love and acceptance will not allow you to live a full life and enjoy a relationship in which the partners concerned about each other and appreciate their and other people's interests and self-sufficient so as not to depend entirely on the partner, his mood, success or defeats.
How to get rid of codependency? As is the case with any other psychological problem, rooted in childhood, is waiting for you a long way.
How to get rid of codependency
Elena PervukhinaCodependent person is difficult to admit to himself that his whole life is empty, that he does not live his life, he a blind eye to its own problems, he disappeared into the other and himself as a person not exists.
Psychologists agree that the main thing - to recognize the problem and to face the truth and then take concrete steps. If some quality codependent people seem familiar to you, it is an occasion to reflect and work on themselves.
And here are some directions for this work.
- Learn to say "no" if you feel uncomfortable and unpleasant to do something, stop to help all and sundry in the hope of a good attitude and acceptance. Most likely, many of you just enjoy.
- Learn to love and accept yourself. You can only live own lifeSo make it interesting.
In general, work on getting rid of codependency requires study of childhood memories and attitudes. Ideally, therefore, necessary to find a therapist who is disassemble your case and help to correct self-esteem.
Someone might notice that infantilism or codependent partner may suffer, but you will at the same time mature and healthy personality, which was just unlucky. But a healthy, self-respecting person can not long withstand the deficient partner.
If, in spite of an unhappy relationship, quarrels and scandals, you continue to cling to the partner and not imagine life without it, you should pay a look at yourself and ask: Is it hard you love yourself and respect?