How to start and not lose friends: personal experience and scientific approach

My story

I do not want to admit it, but I do not know how to make friends. In my '43 I have very few friends. There are, however, the best. We met online - so were born and maintained almost all of my past friendships. One could blame everything on the circumstances, but I'm afraid, I'm just happy. So I can disappear in uncomfortable situations, step back, when irritated, support person, not too much bothering.

In addition, I have another friend from his school days and one - the old job, which I last saw in 2009. I have no friends left the university, and for that I am particularly ashamed. In the years of study, I was miserable, but met wonderful people who looked after me when I was particularly bad, and my selfish suffered bouts of despair. After graduating from university, I was so glad that it was over, and so wanted to start a new life, he tries not to to maintain friendship. Now I'm terribly ashamed of his carelessness and ingratitude.

Such repeated over the last 20 years. I do not do it consciously. I seem to feel the need to drop the old skin in every place from which leaving. This also applies to people who tied me to this place. According to clinical psychologist Sally Austen (Sally Austen), in such behavior has a certain logic.

Old friends connect us not only happy memories, but also with the bad. When there is a possibility that old friends will prevent to start with a clean slate, it does not seem to maintain a relationship safely.

Sally Austen, psychologist

If even I had a talent for making new acquaintances. This is a complex undertaking, even for those who are given communication easier than me. According to recent dataHow many hours does it take to make a friend?For something to go from the first meeting to a friendship, you need about 50 hours of intercourse. And in a close friendship 200 hours. If a meeting lasts two hours, on average, to become friends, it will take 25 meetings. And much more, if you normally prefer just a quick drink with somebody coffee. It seems that an adult with a family and work is simply impossible to find time for friendship.

But it should be done. Scientific evidence on the dangers of social exclusion and the use of communication is very convincing. Loneliness increases the risk of high blood pressureLoneliness Predicts Increased Blood Pressure and heart diseaseLoneliness and social isolation as risk factors for coronary heart disease and strokeincreasesLoneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality the likelihood of death by 26%. It is unclear why it hurts so. But it seems to those who feel lonely, changeMyeloid differentiation architecture of leukocyte transcriptome dynamics in perceived social isolation immunological reaction.

Friendship contrary usefulSocial Laughter Triggers Endogenous Opioid Release in Humans from a chemical point of view. Friendly touch causes oxytocin production and communication promotes the release of endorphins. When my friend and I, we have allocated less cortisolPeer Rejection and HPA Activity in Middle Childhood: Friendship Makes a Difference in stressful situations. We can long endure discomfort after intercourse. Once science has explained why my friends, I decided to rely on it, and in their search.

Tips for those who want to make friends

Exit to communicate with old friends

According toDormant Ties: The Value Of Reconnecting researchers, the resumption of contacts with old friends brings concrete benefits. On the dry language of scientists is "effectively", that is faster and simpler than finding new ones.

Since I came back to his hometown, I decided to start with this, the most obvious way. I combed Facebook in search of friends and, burning shameWrote him if someone from the local meet. This brought me some invitations for a cup of coffee. And yet I was introduced to friends of friends, so it was worth it.

Spend more time in humans

Sociologists have shown that the more often we see someone, the better it seems. Even if it is not a person but a huge trash bag. In 1968, scientists conducted an experimentAttitudinal Effects of Mere Exposure: To the class of students to join one, completely wrapped in a black bag. Within two months, the ratio of students to it gradually changed from hostility to curiosity and friendliness.

I took it on armaments and regularly go to the coworking, which already has got one promising acquaintance. Her name is Poppy, her delightful eyebrows, and she loves when her pochosyvayut head. Yes, Poppy - miniature schnauzer, but I hope that with time and find friends among the people. According to the appeal I was just in the same category with the garbage bag, so I will stick to the plan.

Look for like-minded people

This classic advice is based on scientific evidence. At friends usually similar preferencesBirds of a Feather Do Flock Together, Character traits, and even like nervous responseSimilar neural responses predict friendship to videos.

Armed with this knowledge, I went to the Meetup site looking for like-minded people who share my passion for monitoring the owls through webcams and TV presenter Philip Malden. There was not, so I signed up for a meeting, where you can to speak French.

The very absurdity of the situation, when a group of English haltingly, speaks a different language, has helped to break the ice. And soon I was loudly indignant French slow tourists. I am pleased to talked to a woman named Kathleen on the ubiquitous gulls, and even discovered that one person I have a mutual friend (schnauzer Poppy). And I'm really looking forward to a new meeting, happily saying at the end: "Until next time!"

Keep in touch

I was most touched by the studyThe dynamics of a mobile phone network that friendship lasts a long time, when the two sides go to the contact. That is what I have not worked in the past.

Of course, I need to communicate with people other than relativesAnd I will try to make new friends. But to be honest, I think I do not deserve it, until you learn to keep in touch with old ones. I asked the psychologist Sally Austen as not to repeat their mistakes.

People make mistakes, and when two people are trying to build a relationship, even more errors. You need to try to be assertive and bold, do not miss, and represents an opportunity to create their own.

Sally Austen, psychologist

Yes, friendship needs a lot of time, effort and kindness. But those few people that I have is the benefit not only my health but also my soul. An hour spent with a friend, is like pure oxygen. It's nice to feel that you observe and know, and meet the same.