3 myths about parenting, what we are doing wrong

Raising children, we often rely on intuition or regulations adopted in society, but sometimes our ideas may be wrong. To properly raise a child, it is necessary to look at the wider world and act confident. And yet - to think critically and distinguish a really good child-rearing practices of the myths.

Myth № 1. It should be as often as the baby can praise

Of course, your child is special. And you feel perfectly normal constantly talk to him about it, so praise in his address sounded at least ten times a day.

However, numerous studies neuroscientists argue that excessive praise It can only hurt.

If a child from infancy told that he is an intelligent and gifted, he begins to believe in their exclusivity. But the snag is that this belief does not guarantee that it will be good to learn. On the contrary, zahvalivanie child leads to difficulties in their studies.

Praising children for what they are smart, we give them to understand that the most important thing - to look smart and not take risks, to avoid mistakes.

In other words, children who are constantly praise, try to stop, so over time cease to be actually smart. They only want to look as such, but are not used to make an effort to earn such a high status. Why do something if you were in any case considered gifted?

You may ask, what do you do? Do not praise children worth it? The answer is negative. Praise to health, but do it correctly.

Praise children for their diligence and efforts, then they will learn that the reward and success depends on them. If you praise a son or daughter because they simply are smart, you are depriving them of control over the situation.

"I'm smart, so I should not try. If I start something to do, everything will decide that I lack the natural data. If I can not handle this task, then everyone will understand that I'm not smart enough. " Such is the thinking of the child, which is too much praise. He can not experience failure, doubt their abilities. He disappears motivation.

These children do not all for fun, and the process itself, but only to their praise. In the end, they lag behind their peers and lose confidence.

Myth № 2. My child never lies

Perhaps you are sure that your kid never lies. And if it is deceiving, it is extremely rare.

We will disclose your eyes: absolutely all children are deceiving. It is neither good nor bad. This is just an integral part of child development. And another discovery: the more you try to wean the child from the lies, the more likely he is deceiving.

These numbers surprise you, but they are supported by years of research scientists: four-year children lie about once every two hours, and Six-Year - every hour. 96% of all children lie every day.

As the kids are accustomed to lies? And it is dangerous, as we sometimes think?

The first reason why the children are deceiving parents, - the desire to conceal the offense. They are from an early age are trying to escape punishment, While not realize that for a lie, too, can be punished.

Paul Ekman (Paul Ekman), University of California - one of the first researchers, who became interested in the question of children's lie. He explains how the children formed the habit of cheating.

Imagine this situation. Mom promised six year old son, that on Saturday they will go to the zoo. Returning home, she looked in the diary and realized that on Saturday they will visit a doctor. When the boy found out about it, he was very upset. Why? In the perception of adult mother he deceived no one. But the child took this as a lie. His mother cheated.

From the child's point of view, any erroneous statement is perceived as a lie. That is, in the eyes of the child's mother unwittingly endorsed a fraud. In such situations, children learn to cheat. They decide that the time parents can lie, they can also be.

But it is terrible lie? Studies show that the habit of cheating at an early age is quite harmless, and in some ways even useful.

Children who begin to lie in two or three years, or in a state not pretend to four or five years, show the best results in academic tests. Lies associated with intelligence, it develops cognitive abilities, logic and memory.

Parents should not fight it fiercely. Children to 11 years only beginning to understand that a lie - it's bad. Before that age, they are confident that the main problem lies only in the fact that it is followed by punishment.

If you punish children for lying, you will achieve the opposite effect. They will even more afraid of punishment, and therefore - often lie. Ultimately, this will lead to the fact that the children did not understand what the real problem lies, do not realize how it affects the people around them.

Scientists have found that kids who are being punished for a lie, do not lie less. They just learn to skillfully lie and rarely caught in a lie.

To teach children the right attitude to deception, we have to constantly tell them that honesty - it is good, that is, to focus on the positive side.

Myth № 3. Children need to be shielded from parental quarrels and clarify the relationship

We quarrel. The family can not do without it. But many of us are used to protect children from conflict, believing that it is right.

However, this is misleading. It is not necessary to hide from children constructive conflicts, and here's why.

In one study, scientists create an artificial situation in which parents quarrel in front of the children. For example, my mother began to express a claim to his father on the phone, when the child was in the room.

Immediately after the situation played out in children measured the level of the stress hormone cortisol.

It turned out when the children were present at the parent quarrel until the end and find out what it was all over, they responded very calm and stress hormone levels remained within normal limits, or immediately went down after a successful resolution conflict.

"We experimented with the power of the conflict and the heat of passion, but these factors did not matter, - says one of the scientists. - Even after witnessing a violent quarrel the children were calm when they saw the ending of the reconciliation of the parties. "

All this means that parents who are trying to finish the quarrel that began in front of the children in the other room, make a mistake.

The presence of children in constructive conflict parents (without offense) goes to their advantage. It develops a sense of security, he learns to communicate and resolve difficult situations. If the child is fully protect against such things, he does not get good examples and have not learned to deal with conflicts in adulthood.