Why men do not talk about feelings

Men's initiation

The boy turns into a man very early and very rapidly. Even yesterday, he - like his sister, for example - were allowed to cry, to hug their parents, screaming "I love you, Daddy!" And afraid to complain. You can, you can, but then again - and you can not.

Stop crying!
Be a man!
Do not these snot!
Be patient! Be patient, I tell you!

Sometimes these commands start already hardened in the age of 5-7 years, when the children of either sex, in principle, can not control their emotions and behave in "grown-up".

On the women's initiation has its own problems (no initiation), but it is not about that, and the transformation of "a boy in a man" - leaving to the opposite extreme.

Forcing the child to stop their own tears or outbursts of tenderness - it is psychological violence. How to say "do not blink" on pain of punishment. And boy, of course, will try. He will keep his eyes open as he can, because for him the parents - is almost a deity. He is completely dependent on them. All of his self-esteem, well-being of all rests on their approval. And you can get it, if "be a man" in an age when even the voice does not break.

Many fathers (mothers, too) think that because they form the strength and stamina, raise a real man. Or maybe they are just out of inertia "mirrors" the behavior of their own parents. The child is the installation itself, and learns how to order, carries on, in adulthood.

That's what comes out of it.

Feelings through the "can not"

Do not misunderstand me. Men, like women, are different. Some fine to talk about feelings and willing to express them. Not only aggression (this just do not have any particular problems), and the entire or almost the entire range.

But on average, in the ward for men difficulty with such things, otherwise the articles in the series "10 ways to understand how he feels," it would not be so many views. I can understand the dissatisfaction of girls and wives: they want emotional intimacy with their partners. This is natural and, in general, the need for deep relationships, but men Ridicule for coldness and taciturnity, when it comes to feelings, at least unfair.

Imagine that you are a child tied up to the torso and one leg foisted crutch, they say, go wrong. Option to abandon is not, and you go, hooked, we learn to live this way. And then suddenly untied leg, and even trying to take away his crutch.

Of course, you will crash to the ground: long-leg atrophied. Of course, you fight for your own crutch to bloody bruises. Without it, you are, in fact, invalid.

Look around on the reaction of the people that write the web, on gender stereotypes. Crying man at best drunk. Gentle and enthusiastic - gay or "baba" (why the comparison with a homosexual or a woman, we considered shameful - a separate issue). Show fear or uncertainty - a rag.

Taking into account other aspects of the modern image of masculinity - power, control, success always and everywhere, - it is not surprising that many men are tightly closed. This is the same crutch. In front of them there is a choice, and that choice can not be called: the price for the experience and expression of all these "unmanly" emotions - rejection of masculinity. Tenderness, love, fear, anguish - it is impossible, do not touch. They exist for others. "Do not come, will kill."

If long enough to punish, to forbid, taboo and shame for certain human emotions, he can not just forget how to express them. He loses the ability to interpret and even actually feel them. Such an emotional atrophy. Frustration, which has passed the line "are feeling uncomfortable" and hooted at "Oh to hell with them, these feelings, they do not need me."

This adaptive mechanism of the mind, the most basic.

Girls understand, there is a chance that your man is not talking about feelings, not because he loves you enough or bad tries. Perhaps the reason is simpler and much worse.

IT. REALLY. CAN NOT.

Can not. Not taught. How could he take the floor if he had not told them? Where to take an understanding that all his life he blocked?

Yes, there is simply callous people. Women too. Insensitive, cold, indifferent. And only you can understand, is that your man or not. But if you've seen some cracks in his stone mask and want to see the new, the demand to break this armor suddenly from it - is to ask the impossible.

How to live

I have often been criticized for lack of life hacking in my articles. At this time I will not resist the voice of the people. Girl, life hacking for you.

Be patient (You know what I say, right?) What for you to simply and naturally, for your men - how to re-learn to walk. Notable progress for a year of good, warm relations - an excellent result.

Thank him for his efforts. Even a little progress - a reason to rejoice. And if your vicious man allowed himself to cry in front of you - it's a giant step forward. Tell him: "My dear, thank you for that trust to me that you are sincere with me, I appreciate it very much." Most likely, these tears were given to him is not easy.

Skim the cream will not work. In other words, if a person develops his sensitivity, he can not only focus on the "good", comfortable (including you) feelings. Here or all or nothing. "I hate when you're trying to control me" - is also feeling it, it is now. You ready for this? Ready to support the man who crushed in despair and feel like a failure? Think about it before you complain about the callousness of her boyfriend.

Trust immensely important. 'Show vulnerability "for the majority of men (and many women, by the way) is equivalent to" show weakness. " Opened in an environment where you as soon as possible will tear the throat (this is the fear of vulnerability seems), no hurry. Trust - is the safest rear, which take some of the protections is not that comfortable, but not terrible either.

You can not change it. I repeat: you can not change it. Thoughts in the spirit: "If I do X, Y and Z, we will succeed", - it is the false self omnipotence. You can not control another person's development. All you by force - it does not interfere with and possibly help him to develop in the direction in which he wants to go and so. Thanks, understanding, patience - it's all about support. But if a man refuses to "swing" the sphere of the senses, the changes will be as if you danced around it either.

And finally,

Dear men, I'm very sorry. Now, in the third wave of feminism, the web is talking about women's issues, and all of this is important, I'm not trying to devalue. But maybe you think your problems for women take for granted, they say, in men, and so all the power, what they complain? Many really think so, and it's not fair, and well, if even your friends understand what a grinder - the race for the title of "real man." It would be like not to talk about feelings.

But understand this: a life without feelings - this is the picture painted by a gray paint. Thoughts, ideas, values ​​are important, but not charged feelings idea is inert and will not give fruit. Neprochuvstvovannye values ​​will not survive even a tiny crisis. Relationship without feelings die a quiet death, without leaving any trace in you. If all of the spectrum you allow yourself to only anger and cynicism, your life will be just one, and not balanced by something else, it is unlikely it will bring you happiness.

Try to open up a little. A loved one or even yourself. This will make you a better man.