6 types of toxic parents and how to behave with them

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Toxic parents hurt their children, they are mistreated, humiliated, do harm. And it is not only physical, but also emotional. They continue to do so, even when the child becomes an adult.

1. infallible parents

Such parents perceive the child disobedience, the slightest manifestation of individuality as an attack on themselves, and therefore protected. They insult and humiliate the child, destroy it self-esteemUnder the guise of the good purpose "temper the character."

How does the impact

Children usually infallible parents believe their perfection. They have psychological defense is included.

• Negation. A child comes up with a different reality, in which his parents love. Negation gives temporary relief, which is costly: sooner or later, it results in emotional crisis.
  Example: "In fact, my mother does not offend me, and make better open our eyes to the unpleasant truth."
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• Forlorn Hope. Children of all forces cling to the myth of the perfect parents and blame themselves all misfortunes.
  Example: "I am not a good attitude, mom and dad want me well, and I do not appreciate it."
• Rationalization. This search for good reasons that explain what is happening, to make it less painful for the child.
  Example: "My father beat me, not to hurt, but to teach me a lesson."

What to do

Realize that your guilt is that parents keep switching to insults and humiliation, no. Therefore, try to prove something toxic parents makes no sense.

A good way to understand the situation - look at what happened through the eyes of an outside observer. This will allow to realize that parents are not so infallible, and to rethink their actions.

2. inadequate parents

To determine the toxicity and the inadequacy of the parents who do not beat and maltreated child more difficult. Indeed, in this case the damage is not applied to action and inaction. Often, these parents behave as impotent and irresponsible children themselves. They cause the child to grow up faster and meet their needs.

How does the impact

• The child becomes a parent himself, younger brothers and sisters, their own mother or father. He loses his childhood.
  Example: "How can you ask for a walk, when your mother does not have time to wash everything and cook dinner?".
• Victims of toxic parents feel a sense of guilt and frustration when they can not do something for the good of the family.
  Example: "I can not put to sleep little sister, she cries all the time. I'm a bad son. "
• The child may be lost emotions due to the lack of emotional support from their parents. As an adult, he is having problems with self-identity: who he is, what he wants from life and love relationships.
  Example: "I went to school, but it seems to me that this is not a profession that I like. I do not know who I want to be. "

What to do

Household chores should not take the child longer than studying, playing, walking, spending time with friends. Prove toxic parents is difficult, but possible. Operate the facts, "I will do poorly in school, if the cleaning and food preparation will be only me," "The doctor advised me to spend more time in the fresh air and exercise."

3. controlling parents

Excessive control may seem like a caution, prudence, care. But toxic parents in this case, only care about themselves. They are afraid of becoming irrelevant, but because doing so to maximize the child depended on them, felt helpless.

Favorite phrases toxic controlling parents:

• "I do this only for you and your own good."
• "I did it because I love you very much."
• "Do it, or I will not talk to you."
• "If you do not do this, I had a heart attack."
• "I do not do - will cease to be a member of our family."

All this means one thing: "I'm doing this, because the fear of losing you is so great that I am ready to make you miserable."

Parents manipulators who prefer hidden control, not get their direct requests and orders, and secretly, creating a sense of guilt. They have a "disinterested" help, which forms a sense of duty in the child.

How does the impact

• Controlled toxic parents children become overly anxious. They disappear desire to be active, to explore the world, to overcome difficulties.
  Example: "I am very afraid travel by carBecause my mother always maintained that it is very dangerous. "
• If a child tries to argue with their parents, to disobey them, it threatens his sense of guilt, self-betrayal.
  Example: "I left without permission to sleepover at a friend in the morning my mother fell ill with heart disease. I never forgive myself if something happens to her. "
• Some parents love to compare children with each other, creating an atmosphere of anger and jealousy in the family.
  Example: "Your sister is much smarter than you, in whom you are ugly?".
• The child constantly feels that he is not good enough, he is eager to prove their worth.
  Example: "I always wanted to be like my older brother, and even went as he is, to learn from the physician, but wanted to become a computer programmer."

What to do

Get out of control, without fear of consequences. As a rule, this is the usual blackmail. When you understand that you are not part of your parents, it will no longer depend on them.

4. drinking parents

Alcoholic parents usually deny that the problem exists at all. Mom, who suffers from alcoholism spouse justifies it, justifies the need for frequent use of alcohol to relieve stress or problems with the boss.

The child is usually told that dirty linen is not necessary anymore. Because of this, it is constantly tense, lives in fear of inadvertently betray the family to reveal the secret.

How does the impact

• Children of alcoholics are often loners. They do not know how to build friendships or love relationships, suffer from jealousy and suspicion.
  Example: "I'm always afraid that a loved one will bring me pain, so not looking long-term relationship."
• In such a family, the child can grow giperotvetstvennym and insecure.
  Example: "I always helped my mother laid napivshegosya father. I was scared that he was going to die, I was worried that I could not do anything about it. "
• Another toxic effects of parents - the transformation of the child in the "invisibility".
  Example: "My mother tried to cure his father from alcoholism, encode it, are constantly looking for new drugs. We were left to themselves, no one asked if we ate as we learn, than to get involved. "
• Children suffer from feelings of guilt.
  Example: "As a child I always said:" If you had behaved well, Dad would not drink. ' "

According to statistics, every fourth child from a family of alcoholics, he becomes an alcoholic.

What to do

Do not take responsibility for the fact that parents drink. If you manage to convince them that there is a problem, there is a chance that they will think about coding. Communicate with affluent families, let's do not convince yourself that all adults alike.

5. degrading parents

These parents are constantly abused and criticize child, often unfounded, or make fun of him. This may be sarcasm, mockery, insulting nicknames, humiliation, which are issued for concern: "I want to help you fix it", "We need to prepare you for a cruel life." Parents can make a child's "accomplice" of the process: "He understands that this is just a joke."

Sometimes the humiliation associated with a sense of competition. Parents feel that the child gives them unpleasant emotions, and connect the pressure: "You can not do better than me."

How does the impact

• This attitude kills self esteem and leaves deep emotional scars.
  Example: "I am a long time could not believe I was capable of anything more than take out the trash, as my father. And I hated himself for it. "
• Children of parents competitors pay for their peace of mind to sabotage their success. They prefer to understate their real abilities.
  Example: "I wanted to participate in the competition of street dance, well prepared for it, but did not dare to try. Mom always said that I did not get to dance like her. "
• The driving force of the hard verbal attacks may become unrealistic expectations that adults put on the child. And it was he who suffers when illusions crumble.
  Example: "Dad was convinced that I would become a great hockey player. When I once again excluded from the section (I did not like and did not know how to skate), he had a long call me worthless and no matter what can not. "
• Due to the failure of children from parents toxic usually comes apocalypse.
  Example: "I constantly hear:" I wish you had not been born. " This is due to the fact that I have not won first place at the Olympiad in mathematics. "

I grew up in such families, children often have suicidal tendencies.

What to do

find a way block insults and humiliation, so they do not hurt you. Do not let us seize the initiative in the conversation. If the answer in monosyllables, not to succumb to manipulation, abuse and humiliation, toxic parents do not reach their goal. Remember: you do not have to prove anything to them.

End the chat when you want it. And preferably before you start to feel unpleasant emotions.

6. rapists

Parents who believe violence is the norm, with high probability we brought up the same way. For them it is the only opportunity to throw out the anger, to cope with the problems and negative emotions.

Physical violence

Proponents of corporal punishment on children usually vent their fears and complexes or sincerely believe that spanking will benefit education, the child will make a courageous and strong. In reality, the opposite is true: Physical punishment is applied to the strongest mental, emotional and bodily harm.

sexual violence

Susan Forward characterize incest as "emotionally devastating betrayal of basic trust between the child and the parent, the act of complete perversion." Small sacrifices are at the mercy of the aggressor, they have nowhere to go and no one to ask for help.

90% of children who have experienced sexual violence, no one is talking about it.

How does the impact

• The child feels a sense of helplessness and despair, because the request for assistance may be fraught with new outbreaks of anger and punishment.
  Example: "I'm almost to adulthood never told anyone that my mother beats. Because she knew no one would believe. The bruises on my legs and hands it due to the fact that I love to run and jump. "
• Children begin to hate themselves, their emotions - the constant anger and fantasies of revenge.
  Example: "For a long time he could not afford to admit, but as a child I wanted to strangle his father while he sleeps. He beat my mother, her younger sister. I am glad that they put him. "
• Sexual abuse does not always involve contact with the body of a child, but it is no less damaging. Children feel guilty for what happened. They are ashamed, they are afraid to tell anyone about what happened.
  Example: "I was very quiet in my class, afraid that the school will cause my father, the secret will be revealed. He intimidated me, always I said that if this happens, everyone will think I'm crazy, I was sent to a mental hospital. "
• Children hold the pain in itself, not to destroy the family.
  Example: "I saw that my mother is very fond of his stepfather. Once I tried to hint to her that he belongs to me, "grown-up". But she burst into tears, I no longer dared to start talking about it. "
• A survivor of childhood abuse often leads a double life. It feels disgusting, but pretends to be a successful, self-sufficient person. He can not build a normal relationship, Considers himself unworthy of love. It is a wound that is delayed for a long time.
  Example: "I've always considered myself a" dirty "because of what he did with me as a child's father. To go on a first date, I decided after 30 years, when passed through several courses of therapy. "

What to do

The only way to escape from the rapist - distance, run. Not to withdraw into themselves and seek help from relatives and friends you can trust, to seek help from psychologists and the police.

How to deal with toxic parents

1. Accept this fact. And understand that parents change you can hardly. But myself and my attitude to life - yes.

2. Remember that their toxicity is not your fault. You are not responsible for the way they behave.

3. Communication with them is unlikely to be different, so reduce it to a minimum. Start the conversation in advance knowing that he could end up frustrating for you.

4. If you are forced to live with them, get the opportunity to let off steam. Go for a workout in the gym. Keep a diaryDescribing in it not only the bad things, but also positive aspects to support themselves. Read more literature on toxic people.

5. Do not look for excuses actions parents. Your well-being should be a priority.