Competition in the family, why it occurs and how to get out of this scenario

Innochkina mother calls her husband "this". "This" at home? "It 'like? "This" - 49-year-old guy with a huge well-groomed beard, owner of a small online store - all to hear, but it is silent. Nervously crunched toes.

Mom raised Innochka without a father in times of scarcity and cronyism. Chinese dress, the German boat, piano lessons with Sophia Israelevna, fresh cucumbers in winter from Vagiz Dorogomilovsky, inyaz and first internship in London. She tried, she was spoiled, she dreamed. Not about the bearded merchant gadgets, but the zyate named James, a redhead, but promising.

Mama Innochka replaced his father, he is now trying to replace her husband. Recently he offered his daughter to leave work and deal with them. It has been said: "I will provide you! I have savings. They will last a long time. " Needless to say that Innochka quite independent adult woman, chairwoman of the department in a major museum. But my mother does not see her daughter succeed and trying with might and main rival for the role of head of the family.

Why there is competition in the family

There is no single rule for all families: so good, but you do it "un-human". Nowadays, the concept of law of each set for himself: some prefer patriarchal model, some in favor of the equality of partners, someone in the family is always led by women.

Work is defined as any approach, in which the family overcome the crisis and to develop further. The young people got married and immediately agreed who have duties at home performs. For example, my wife prepares dinner, my husband does the dishes. Gender wash turns on Saturdays.

If the spouses were unable to move smoothly from one stage of development to another family, cope with new roles, there is a problem.

For example, a pair of child was born. The first crisis: the young are now not just a husband and wife, but also the parents. However, a man brought up in such a way that the baby care - is exclusively female destiny. His wife did not agree: she thinks that partners should bear responsibilities on an equal footing. Can not agree, there is a struggle for power, "Who is the main family? Whose opinion will be decisive? "

It joins a support group of parents. For Russian families is characteristic multigenerational - when living under one roof grandparents, the young couple and their children. Or, for example, the couple moved, but the emotional connection with the still strong parents, and with each step, they need the approval of the older generation. The boundaries of a single family in such vague terms, the role of its members confused. Where it is necessary to negotiate not two, but a number of people, there is always the risk of competition.

Who can compete with anyone in the family and what to do

Toscha and son

The case of Inna - a classic rivalry between her husband and her mother in the style of "Who better to take care of my daughter?". Typically, such a stereotype of interaction can be observed when the woman was raising a child alone. Or the husband had, but he was not included in the training: for example, drinking heavily or had an affair and the child mother served joy.

Toscha trying to regain the status of the all-powerful mother-in-law depriving the ability to perform some functions married. It is taken in this family that money on expensive things makes her husband. He also carries a fine repairs the house and buys the products. But my mother ignores these rules and gives the money to his daughter: "On and buy a proper coat, and then walk forever in the jackets." Dragging heavy bags home and cause plumbing to repair a faucet. That is demonstrated to other members of the family that she was important, without it, all will be lost - is competing for the first place.

How actively mother allows herself to participate in the life of adult and independent daughter is that she has not passed the seventh stage of the development of the family.

Daughter grew up, married, separated physically and mentally. But my mother does not work switch to stage monads, because "All the best - to children" has always been the motto of her life.

Still as a variant of the problem: his daughter to her husband are claims that it can not be solved voice, and my mother, being unable to endure the "daughter's suffering" becomes the "voice" of the family negotiations.

What if my family knew

spouses:

• Strengthen their alliance and create a strong marital coalition.
• Express mutual expectations and complaints, if any.
• To agree on the distribution of roles, who does what, is responsible for what.
• Adopt rules by which the family lives and nothing else.
• Designate the boundaries of the family, which is not allowed for the invasion even the closest relatives.
• Discuss where you will need the help of Tiffany, and pass the execution of these functions. For example, to drive the grandchildren to school, bake an apple pie on Fridays, or to care for a garden in the country. Be sure to praise for its contribution, but not as the head of the family, as well as an assistant.

wife:

• Raise family status of her husband, his authority. For example, to grant him the right to make final decisions on certain issues or to transfer responsible for home improvement: "I have to discuss it with her husband, before taking a decision", "You like the wallpaper? This Kohl himself chose "and so on.
• Often give Mom "output", to arrange a visit to the cinema or theater. Then it will be the new theme for the peace talks, and the couple - the ability to do something togetherWithout outside interference.

In-law and son-in

The situation may seem similar to the point above, but here the main question - "Who is in the family of a real man?". The effectiveness of the spouse is assessed for its "male" actions. You do not drink? Lady's finger. Not fishing? Weakling. He could not collect the closet? Krivorukov. Such masculinity is dictated by the patriarchal, customary for the older generations.

As is the case with the mother-in-law can be broadcast in-law unspoken claim of his wife. For example, young accustomed to that in the parental home repairs always made my father. And here in the kitchen tiles fell off, but her husband does not react, although in its understanding - must. Then the father demonstrates model behavior of "real man."

What if my family knew

spouses:

• Designate the boundaries of the family, which is not allowed for the invasion even the closest relatives.
• Discuss the possibility of bringing the father to life arrangement in the house of the young. If the husband does not mind, let dad repairing cranes and puts the tile.

wife:

• Discuss with her husband accumulated claims.
• Make a list of things for which she respects her husband, and his voice. Do not forget to praise and give thanks for her husband made.

Mother in law and daughter in law

The struggle for supremacy between the mother-in-law, and is found everywhere. One of the most popular questions on the women's forum - "How to Put-in-law in place?". The conflict comes to a head when a young family living in the home of her husband.

How in romance novels, The fight goes here in the first place in the general male heart. In-law raised the ideal and did it, of course, for myself. According to her son - god, and decent women on the ground for him does not exist. Therefore, the reasons for dissatisfaction are always. If the couple moves out and begins to independent life, in the course are various tricks to lure his son out of the family nest.

In-law begins to suffer pressure and migraine, with this magically destroyed her house burns chandelier, broken washing machine, fill the neighbors. The young husband has to throw their case and go to save the mother.

Typically, these in-laws are the type of women who have children make up the whole meaning of life. Desire to control her son is heightened when the mother perceives it as a threat to independence for themselves.

Another reason for the confrontation-in-law and daughter-may lie in the dissatisfaction of the husband and his wife. The mother expressed that does not dare to voice a son. Or it is painful to be in the company of his wife, and the mother's request for assistance is a valid reason for the absence.

What if my family knew

spouses:

• Strengthen the marital coalition to discuss the unspoken claim to formulate family rules stipulate the border - where and to what extent you accept someone's help.
• Clearly distribute domestic duties in the case of cohabitation.

husband:

• Demarcate their new family in a conversation with his mother. Just to say that, well, I love you so much, Mom, and always ready to help, but let's decide on what days I prefer to help, for whatever enough to phone. And if we need anything, I'll let you know about it immediately!
• Focus mum energy to help the family in other cases. For example, make dinner, if the young do not have time, go with the child to a clinic or in a circle - to find such a thing to my mother to feel needed, but assisted only on request not interfere in someone else's family rules.
• Organize mom's favorite hobby, so she was where to spend their free time.

Husband and wife

Competition between spouses arises from the inability to negotiate. We are taught from childhood not to discuss questions in pairs. The parents were as follows: married now hoard to "Lada", then on a color TV and a sofa. The opponent was not within the family and outside: it was necessary to live "no worse than others." No time for intimate conversations.

Shortages are long gone, and the lack of communication left. To discuss urgent problems in some families still have not decided - like and so everything is clear.

By default, the rule takes effect "ought" Takeover from parent familiesThe woman should do it, and her husband - something. So often there is competition in the categories of archaic roles - in matters of money and education of children: "You are not only inconsistent man, but a bad husband," "You're not only a wife, slut, but lousy mother. "

In one of the couples that I have observed, it reached a divorce because of the fact that his wife, not consulting with her husband, bought a car. Husband took her independence as a personal insult, and was about to leave. And if they had originally agreed, as the adoption of significant purchasing decisions, the problem would not have arisen should occur.

In a family where there is no competition, each clearly fulfill its obligations, without controlling the other. Because the display of the control can be counted as an attempt to demonstrate the superiority of their own: "Do you remember, What you need now to change the tires, "The implication of such a message:" You can not manage without me, because everything forever forget. I always remember what to do. I'm more efficient. "

What if my family knew

• Discuss the responsibilities and spheres of influence of each family.
• Write on the paper agreement that clearly states that the wife does that makes her husband. And if does not, then the second sitting and waiting. I wanted to prove something to your partner - do 10 squat, Engage in their duties, but do not climb to where the other runs.

And sister-in-law

The history of the complex relationship between the husband and wife's sister more than one hundred years. People say: "in-law - a snake head." There is an analogy in-law, but in this case there is a struggle not at the heart of the common man and for the competence of women: "Who knows better how to ..."

The greatest fury to rival show older sisters who nursed a baby brother, and was replaced by his mother while she was at work.

Sister in law, unlike in-law, did not think his brother the perfect man, but considers himself the perfect woman. Therefore, the struggle for power can be installed around the culinary abilities of pedagogical skills and other talents, which in our culture is considered to be exclusively female.

Nevertheless, it is not necessary to write off in-law and correctness on certain issues. Perhaps it expresses the discontent that is not solved by sound husband to his wife.

What if my family knew

spouses:

• To work on ways of communication in tandem. Look for constructive ways to express dissatisfaction with each other.
• Set clear boundaries of the new family and the possible reactions to outside interference.
• Diversify a joint leisure.
• Strengthen the marital union, where "the husband and wife - one of Satan."

husband:

• Learn to express their criticism in relation to his wife in a way that did not sound hurt and was not damaging to relations.
• Accept his new role of head of the family, and to cease to be a member of the "branch" of the parental family.

wife:

• I am pleased to do what turns out better than her sister's husband.
• In-law to cede leadership in cases where it can handle efficiently.

Parent and child

The competition between the child and one of the spouses signals the pathological process in the marital interaction. In the functional family are horizontal coalition: husband and wife, father and mother, the child and the child. When the emotional distance between spouses increases, there is a vertical dysfunctional coalition - parent and child. The latter becomes a comfort to a spouse who is not experiencing the best of times in the pair.

For example, a husband, or a problem with alcohol, he often lost at work, his wife lack of communication, and it starts build an alliance with the child: is discussing with them the financial and domestic problems, he scolds the father of insolvency. This emotional connection can become stronger marital bond.

The child, who is the new role of responsibility, feels chosen and fit. He is now not only the youngest member of the family, and my mother's support. Daughter or son are trying to prove that the more valuable, skillful and capable than aloof spouse.

Sooner or later, the rivalry becomes mutual. It may manifest itself openly. For example, the unlucky father tells his son: "You have the hands-hooks, you anything you can not normally do. I'm your age already earned on the bike. " Such a comparison restores justice to the parent, returning to him what "due".

Also, competition can be expressed disguised. Mother always busy at work, a father who comes home no later than seven in the evening, having dinner with her daughter, and they talk heart to heart. The next morning, the mother asked the girl: "Do not you zamorznesh in this jacket?" For an innocent question lies the desire to show their superiority: "I am better than you know what to wear in bad weather. Without me, you propadosh. "

This kind of competition is most dangerous for the family. As a rule, all members are satisfied with the current state of things, and if you remove the child from the functional role of the second wife, without the assistance of a psychologist disintegrate the family.

What if my family knew

• Recreate his coalition, to find a positive experience in the past when you have successfully coped with the implementation of marital roles.
• Make a list of family roles, where the couple perform their functions, and the children - their own.
• Utter experienced feelings, grievances and claims.
• If necessary, a consultation with a family psychologist or sex therapist.

Children with siblings

Siblings - brothers and sisters who were born in the same family. Competition siblings - one of the most common causes of anxiety of parents and referrals to a psychologist. anxiety usually causes aggression, which eldest child takes in relation to the younger.

Jealousy is the basis of sibling competition. For the older child, who is accustomed to being the center of parental attention and affection, the birth of a baby is not a happy event.

With the new member of the family have to share not only the love of parents, but also the room, toys, stuff. Over, there were forced to learn a new role - an adult and a child's self, and sometimes a nurse. Hence, there are insults, challenges and competition.

Eliminate competition between siblings is impossible. But a few recommendations to help reduce the confrontation between the children.

What if my family knew

• If possible, clearly divided children's living space, so that each of them had their own room for privacy - that in English is called privacy.
• Explain to the younger child, you need to respect the territory of the older, you can not take his toys and other things without permission.
• Teach children to express their emotions verbally, to negotiate, to ask for forgiveness.
• Distribute the responsibilities of children so that they have achieved success in various fields, and received the praise of parents for their own achievements.
• Put the older child as an example, that underlined his authority.
• Increase the amount of time spent with elders. For example, the younger the child is asleep, and my mother with an older painting or reading a book.
• Find such a joint activity for all family members, where they could be healthy competition. For example, table games on weekends.

The victim was a child and the child is alive

In a special category should bear the situation when one of the children died, and then the second child assumes the function of a substitute. The atmosphere in a family where no otgorevali loss, filled with sorrow for many years after the tragedy. Parents are unconsciously comparing the living with the dead child, cultivating hidden competition. Thus, the dead serves as an invincible opponent, forced to carry a brother or sister a heavy emotional load.

"Substitute" child can not be a. These children tend to be closed and alone. They have a heightened sense of guilt for his life: and in front of their parents, and to the dead. Becoming adults, they often say that "life is not living in your body."

What if my family knew

• To speak of the dead child, not as an abstract ideal, but as a real person with all the advantages and disadvantages.
• Use alternative means mental pain expression through painting, dance, music, poetry. Creativity is very good to express and materialize unconscious feelings and emotions even in adulthood.
• Turn to a psychologist for working with experience of loss.