Roman correspondence: Why you should not respond to messages immediately

Interesting fact: the madness into which you fall today, simply did not exist even 10, 20 years ago. In those days, you would not have manic checking his phone every few minutes, falling in the anger, the frustration, experiencing a meal just because of the fact that people did not send you a short stupid message.

The modern novel - it's stressful, especially when it comes to correspondence. In 2010, only 10% of young people use emails to ask someone out on a date for the first time. In 2013 - already 32%. More and more people are sitting alone, staring at the phone screen, and at the same time experiencing a range of emotions.

Technological advances now allow us to contact the person liked instantly. But problems of this does not become less. For example, how to ask a girl or guy out on a date? It cost to call? Or write an SMS? Or add friends and send a message on a social network? How long should I wait before responding to the invitation? Obviously, with the progress there and the changes in our personal lives. We evaluate different partner, or to make and build relationships.

Comedian Aziz Ansari decided to look into the problems of modern romantic relationships and, together with the sociologist of NYU Klinenbergom Eric (Eric Klinenberg) has developed a large-scale research project. From 2013 to 2014 they worked with focus groups and surveys conducted around the world, and also to arrange an interview with well-known researchers of romantic relationships. The results of this study resulted in the book "Actively looking"In which, among other things, you can find the answer to the question of what to do once you have sent or received a message.

How long to wait before responding to a message?

This question has caused the most controversy and disagreement among the respondents. So what tactics usually adhere to the people.

• Tactics doubling response time: you meet in five minutes, you are waiting for ten. Thus, you will always be in a more advantageous position, because it will seem busier and less accessible than the other person.
• Some are waiting for a few minutes to show that in their lives, there is something more important than a phone.
• Some respondents believed that it is better to double the response time, but sometimes it is possible to respond quickly and in this there is nothing wrong (as, indeed, in the very long answer).
• Some people argue that waiting for exactly 1.25 on response time.
• Others argue that it is sufficient to wait three minutes.
• There were also those who are already fed up with similar games, so they respond immediately as soon as they saw the message. They believe their answers without histrionic expectations seem more alive and confident.

But are these tactics work? And why so many people adhere to them? Let's see if these strategies are related to the actual psychological research.

The answer is as rewarding

In recent years, scientists have engaged in behavior problems, studied the question of why the waiting tactics have on the people such a powerful impact.

You will seem less appealing if respond to messages immediately.

Psychologists have conducted hundreds of studies in which they are in different conditions gave the animals a reward. One of the most interesting findings - "award indefinite," that is a situation where the animal pressing the lever can not predict whether it will be rewarded. It turned out, the uncertainty significantly increases the animal's interest in receiving awards: increased levels of dopamine, so I can say, it kicks off this feeling.

In laboratory animals, which each time the lever is received award interest eventually disappearing. After all, they know that as soon as they want a reward, they get it.

In relationships the same principle: if you're a guy or girl, which immediately respond to messages, you start to be taken for granted. As a result, you reduce its value as a reward. This means that other people will not feel a strong need to respond to the message. Or, as in the case of laboratory animals, the need to press the lever.

What do the correspondence and gambling

Messaging - an environment in which our mind starts to work specifically. Before all appeared cell phones, people have always waited for some time (hours or days) before you call back, but so that the other person does not experience anxiety. Correspondence has taught us to receive a prompt response. According to surveys, this figure varies from person to person in the interval from 10 minutes to one hour.

Schull Natasha (Natasha Schüll), an anthropologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (USA), studying gambling addiction, in particular, what happens to the minds and bodies of people who are addicted to gambling machines. Unlike cards, horse racing or weekly lottery which force players to wait (for their turn when the finish the horse began weekly lottery), slot machines allow you to play games of chance, without delay, as the player quickly gets information.

Text messages are different from the messages that people leave on the answering machine before the advent of smartphones. A message on the answering machine can be compared to buying a lottery ticket. You know in advance that will have to wait until you know the winning numbers. You do not expect that you immediately call back. You can even enjoy this feeling of uncertainty, because you know in advance that will have to wait a few days. But in the case of text messaging, if you get no response after 15 minutes, you start to go crazy.

How to seem more attractive in the eyes of another person

Psychological principles related to the expectation can be a very useful strategy for a single person who wants to appear attractive.

For example, let's assume that you are a man who had met with three women in a bar. The next day you write them. The two meet quickly enough, and the third did not respond at all. The first two women expressed an interest in you, and your brain, having received the answer, calm down. But the third woman, without answering, has created uncertainty, and your brain begins to look for an explanation of her act. You do not lose interest, "Why does not she answer? What's wrong with me? Maybe I did something wrong? ". This uncertainty, as established social psychologists, can lead to a strong romantic attraction.

The team of scientists - Eric Uitchorch (Erin Whitchurch), Timothy Wilson (Timothy Wilson) and Daniel Gilbert (Daniel Gilbert) - conducted a study in where women were shown the different profiles of men in the social network Facebook, which, in turn, told what they think about their profiles.

• One group of women showed profiles of men who appreciated the profiles of the subjects of the group as the best.
• The second group was told that they are shown the profiles of men who rated their accounts as average.
• The third group showed profiles of men who could not decide whether they like the women or not.

It was expected that women will prefer men who rated them as the best, rather than as a medium (according to the principle of reciprocity - we like people who like us). However, more women than men chose from undecided group. Later, they also reported that more thought about men who are undecided in the assessment.

When you think a lot about a man, his image firmly reinforced in your mind that, ultimately, can lead to attraction.

Another idea of ​​social psychology, which deals with the expectations of our games - this is the principle of scarcity. Usually we perceive something as a more desirable when it seems inaccessible. Thus, when you rarely receive messages from someone, in fact, this person is artificially creating shortages and presents itself in a more favorable light.

Do not take everything at his own expense

You wrote the man and invited him to a meeting, and from him there was no response. What to do in such a situation? Certainly not sprinkle ashes on his head and think what you said or did wrong. Do not forget that sometimes it's not you, that come into play other factors. In a person's life may be something about what you do not have a clue, but it can affect his desire to start a relationship.